On the morning of April 14, my beloved Boulder passed away. I am told he passed in his sleep but I was not there to witness it. He was at the vet's office, hooked up to an IV drip and on serious meds for his conjective heart disease. I have never been so heartbroken in my life. My dogs were part of me. I lived my life around them and now, within six months of each other, they have both passed. While I wish I could've been there with Boulder, I know that would've been impossible. If it were just me and him, he probably would have died from suffocation with the fluid in his lungs and his heart not being able to move fast enough. I am also heartened by the fact that he did love his vet dr. and the nurses that worked at the hospital so I am quite sure he felt content and loved to be there as well.
It's also hard to grieve with a baby around because I don't want her to see me so anguished since she doesn't understand what is going on. I would hate for her to think it was something that she might've done. If I could, I would love to just run away and hide for while people seem to be saying, "Well, good thing you have Dillon to focus on..." she is the last thing I want to focus on right now. In fact, it killed me every time I had to choose tending to her over my own pups.
Don't get me wrong, I love D, but I loved the dogs too and they were first into my heart and nothing could replace them. When D was born, my mother was here for a bit to help out and G's mom came out for a bit to help and while they both were attentive to my pups, I worked hard to get out of bed and away from D so that I could take the babies out myself for a walk. I wanted to let them know that they absolutely still mattered. But try as I might, I often did have to focus on D over the babies. In fact, I'm convinced depression is what killed Rocky in the end. He was such a mommy's shadow and was so distraught over having to play second fiddle to something else. You never know...depression can manifest in many ways.
I think my depression manifests as exhaustion. I have felt exhausted ever since Boulder passed away. I cried my fair share, but it is pointless to cry now. No amount of crying could bring him back. And, D is still here so we'd still be in the same predicament. Boulder waiting to be tended to after D...
Yes, the babies did have a great life as they were always first in my life. But in the end they weren't. I really should've waited to have a child. But on the other hand, I really wished that both babies could've stayed alive long enough for D to really get to know them and love on them.