If I were a different mom

It's been a while since I've posted...but now I think I will swing back in. This is where I talk about parenting trials and tribulations...my other blogs is about sunny, happy things and beauty discoveries. :o) Today I walked outside with D to walk the dog. Before walking out she asked, "What shoes are you wearing?" I replied, "My running shoes. They are outside." D then put on her running shoes and was excited to go outside to fetch my running shoes. Now, the reason why my running shoes are outside is because I ran in them and they have sand on them. So I leave them outside so as not to track the sand. Because I am who I am, I expect D to know that. So, when she runs outside and pulls my shoes out for me and drops then on the porch all happy.... I respond by saying, "D! Now why would you do that! My shoes are outside because they have sand all over them. Now you've gotten sand all over our front porch!" D: No, you did by leaving them there... She ignored me. THANKFULLY!! After this episode, I thought to myself - If I were a different mother, a different person altogether I guess I would have responded in a delightful, thoughtful way with the following: "Oh thank you, D! That is so sweet of you to get my shoes. Oh, look, mommy's shoes have sand on them. We will have to sweep that up later." Oh...all day long I aspire, I aspire. It is so hard being me and being a mom...Tomorrow. Let's see if I can do better tomorrow.

On vacation

The fam just recently took a vacation to Ixtapa, Mexico. A Club Med. Whilst on vacation I thought I might try to "relax" a little and just let D be a kid and do kid things like...spill her drink, squirm in her seat, play around while eating. Well, that didn't happen. Just as soon as I made the decision to do so, we headed off to the dining room for lunch and the first thing I did was remind her to use her fork to eat. And then that just followed with, please sit properly when you eat..."less playing, more eating please..." and so on and so forth. I think I need to just come to terms that I am just not that mom. The kind that just loves her child to death that nothing he/she does is wrong. And I don't even mean to that extreme. I just don't know how to not discipline where I think discipline is due, which happens to be all times. Sad, isn't it?

Baby Free Weekend

Last weekend, I had a lovely weekend with a gf. Just me and S in Napa Valley. I took D to her aunt's house to spend the weekend, I spent the weekend in Napa and G spent the weekend back at home. I had a lovely time..when S asked, "What's G doing this weekend?" I replied, "Dunno. Probably crying because he hates to be away from his girls." S thought I was kidding but then she realized I was not. It's true, he misses us terribly when we are away and then towards the end of the weekend, S was commenting about how she was starting to miss her girls too...yet, when she asked me if I was missing my G and D I truthfully responded, Nope. And I didn't. It's funny, when I am away from my family, I just don't miss them. I have never missed my family...I love them dearly and would do anything for them and when I am with them I am fully vested. But when I am away, I am away. I suppose if I were going to be away for 2 weeks or a month, I would probably miss seeing D and G but as it is I am hardly ever away from either of them! And it's crazy. I know I've written before about how attached D is to me, and everyone always says, "Oh, that's normal. Hello, you are her mom." But, no. It's truly weird. When I got back to R's house, yes D was excited to see me but I think her heart hurt a little that we had flown to her aunt's house together and then I went off for the weekend. She did not want to leave my side the minute I got back. When we made a trip to Target, firstly, she didn't want to go because she just wanted to be with me inside the house. But we had to get out so her cousin could nap. In the car, she wanted me to sit next to her but I couldn't because N's car seat was situated there. I said I would sit in front but hold her hand. That was not good enough for her. She broke down into tears and she wouldn't even look at me because she was so upset. I mean...I am not joking. Is that crazy? This girl loves her mama. So, anyhow, that last weekend REALLY made me feel bad about D. It's like she doesn't want to lose that connection we have and now I don't either. It really made my heart hurt to see how sad she was. I mean...I don't have a heart but I found one this past weekend.

Mixed messages

Sometimes, Hubby and I really need to get on the same page. This morning, D runs in and says to me, "Mommy! We have to buy new marshmallows." I reply, "But we have some." D: "No, Daddy says those are molded. They are spoiled so we have to buy new ones." In my mind, I am thinking I want to try and educate her on how bad marshmallows are so I say, "Nooo, marshmallows don't go bad. They have a very long shelf life..." I'm sure that thought was lost on her but even as I said it, I thought, "Oh, wait, maybe G told her that story because he was trying to redirect her from wanting the marshmallows" therefore telling her they are molded. We all know marshmallows don't mold. So, then I quickly reply, "Well..okay. I guess we will have to buy more marshamallows..." Done. Phew! Apparently, she probably didn't even care about the marshmallows because she didn't push the issue which she usually ALWAYS does because this girl is OBSESSED with sugar. It's terribly irritating.

Adults are...such a snore

I know I talk about D going to a Waldorf school a lot...or do I only do that in person? Anyhoo, I am very pleased with the whole Waldorf philosophy. What I really love is that they try to preserve childhood and the wonders of childhood. So much so that they really frown upon media since media oftentimes really just exhibits adult appropriate content. But, besides that, in the classroom and the teachers try to maintain fantasy in the children's minds. They tell stories in the oral tradition so the children make up images in their own minds as the story unfolds. They tell stories about gnomes and fairies. I love all that. Remember when we used to be engrossed in all that? And then we grew up and the real world seems all we are able to connect with. Sad. Case in point, the other day while D and I were out walking, she picked up a young acorn. She said, "Look! An apple with a hat!" And of course, I agreed. "Oh what a lovely apple with a hat!" And D was so happy with her find. "Why does the apple have a hat, mama?" Me: "Well, I'm not so sure..." And then D sees a woman up ahead walking her dog and she runs up to the lady and says, "Look! I found an apple with a hat!" And what does that darn lady do?? She says this: "A what?" D replies again with the apple with a hat and the lady says, "Oh, or what is commonly known as an acorn!" With a stupid big smile on her face. I was so irritated!!! For goodness sakes, woman! Can you not see that my daughter is a mere three years old. Let her think that acorn is an apple with a hat! DRATS!! Stupid adults. And from that moment on, D referred to her find as an acorn with a hat. Stupid adults.

Dealing with adversity

We just spent a week in Portland visiting some friends who have two sons - one is six and one is four. The four year old is a real mean-spirited guy sometimes. So at the beginning of the week, whenever J would do anything - like grab D's toy and keep it from her, D would cry or turn to me and say something like, "Mammmaaa, J took my toy." And I would respond, "Well, did you want to ask him to give it back?" D: "Can you give me back my toy?" J: "No." Me: Well, D, you'll just have to find another toy to play with since these are J's toys...etc. etc. Sometimes, J's mom would jump in to try and get him to share, but sometimes not and then we'd all have to move on somehow. At the end of the week, however, I could see that D was really starting to understand J's motives and was not going to let him have the satisfaction. (Proud moment!!) There was one instance where J scrambled up a monkey bar which he knew was too big for D and then told her she couldn't sit next to him. She called out to me and said, "Mama.." I replied, "Yes" as I was walking to her and she looks at J and then looks away yonder and says to me, "Look at those dinosaur eggs over there!" Thereby, not giving J the satisfaction of letting on that she was bugged by his action! Seriously! That was a proud moment for me. In my mind, I was thinking, "Good for you!!" Then D and I just went off to play something else and J had to come trailing after. Awesome.

Independence

D is now REALLY expressing her independence. She wants to do everything herself and I can literally see/feel her wheels spinning as she tries to combat everything I say that disagrees with her. It is cah-razy. About her independence. She doesn't like when people approach us while we are walking our dog, Yoda and I do all the talking. She wants to be the one to tell them Yoda's name. She wants to order her own meals. Not just point out what she wants on the menu, but literally tell the server what she wants. As far as verbal combat, she is quite quick. Will NOT put up with me trying to get her to move faster or do anything she doesn't feel like doing. She is quick to respond, "No, I WILL NOT!" Or "well, then...DON'T TALK TO ME!" Of course, I am always dumbfounded as to how to react when she speaks like that. I understand she is just trying to express her frustration (as probably learned by watching me) so I can't very well reprimand her. Or can I? Not sure. I guess I could respond by gently saying, "That is not very kind. What is it that you are really trying to say here?" Oh, yes! That would be nice response. Rather than what I've done before which is to not respond at all. And by "at all", I mean, I don't speak to her. Just like she's asked and when she is hollering at the top of her lungs for me to answer her when she is talking to me, I politely respond, "You said, 'Don't talk to me' so that is what I am doing." I can be so childish at times. Sorry, my mind works in that childish fashion, unfortunately...so that is what D gets as opposed to the more mature response that I just worked out above when I wrote it. Oh well. I'm sure there will be a next time when I can respond appropriately.

It was just a matter of time

Before D picked up on my anger communication...well, basically what I do when I am upset with a person is that I won't talk to them. I've even gone so far as to say to D when I am upset, "I am not speaking with you because I am upset with you!" Today, her dad really made her upset. She was so upset she was sobbing. Then she came to me for comfort and after a while she calmed down a bit. Then her father was calling after her, "D...D...D?" I said, "It would be nice if you answered your father." She replies, "No." So, she's not talking to him because she's mad. Hehehe! Eventually, she got over it (as do I) but she let him know...not the best way to deal with things but you know what they say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all"

Commercialism

It's amazing how much goes into marketing to kids. And everyone just gobbles it up. It's no secret that D goes to a Waldorf school and true, strict Waldorf schools are very strict about a no media policy and basically, no commercialism. Children are to be sent to school without any cartoons, characters or lettering on their clothes. Parents are encouraged to limit media exposure to none during the school week and maybe one hour total on weekends. I totally buy into that. We do not watch television at our house in front of D at all. Well, unless her father has sports on or the Olympics has been on and she's watched a bit of that. But other than that, nothing. And again, we have also allowed her to watch something on YouTube sometimes, put in Kai Lan or Sound of Music into the DVD player but she definitely does not even get one hour on a weekly basis. I like it like that. Unfortunately, we can't keep her insulated against the whole world so there's the interest in Hello Kitty and Dora, etc etc. on items but she's not bananas about it all. She is, however, very much into "getting things." "Mama, can we get that? Mama I want this.." Thankfully, she doesn't throw tantrums but I just can't get over how much our society feeds into buy more! buy more! It's really gross sometimes. Why can't D ask, "What can we give away?" Instead of "Can I have?" Oh, I know why - because I never ask "What can we give away?" I think D is a bit young right now to start doing community work and volunteering around town but when she is old enough I need to start taking her to places to start donating our time to help others. Her grandmother (G's mom) is a Buddhist and very high up in ranking at their temple. I would like D to follow in her grandmother's footsteps and always be thoughtful and kind and giving and to always have the community's well being in her mind. I am sure Waldorf helps to inspire her in that way.

Don't like being told what to do

I was mentioning to G the other day how D really does not like being told what to do. For instance, we were on a walk. She was walking on a beam that did not look too sturdy so I said, "Better watch out D. You shouldn't walk on that because you could hurt yourself." And D got all grumpy looking and said, "Don't say that to me!" Me: I just don't want you to fall off. D: I won't! I wasn't going to... So, I am telling G this and his response is, "Neither do you. You don't like being told what to do." And I said, "Neither do you!" And Greg says, "I know. None of us like being told what to do. We are a "don't tell us what to do family." Ha!

Not one of my better mommy moments

Was at an amusement park today with D, her cousins and her best friend, M.  M and D had to use the restroom.  We walk in and there's a mommy, kiddie bathroom with a big person toilet and a mini toilet.  I, as well as the girls, was really excited.  "Look!!  It's a mini toilet!"
Bad move...bad move to get excited about the toilet but probably just a bad move to take two girls to the bathroom together because someone has to go first!  But who?
So, now you see where I'm going with this.  Both girls exclaim she wants to be the first to go.  So I say, "Okay, let's play rock, paper, scissors to see who goes first."
M ends up winning (another boo because somehow I think M would've taken her lot as second on the toilet a little better than D would..) and as one would expect, D threw a fit.
Now, I'm so nervous that she's thrown herself into a tizzy and is going to piss her pants if she doesn't get on a toilet!  Aaack!
So, I say, "M, are you done?"
M: No, I have to poo.  (WHAAAT??!)
Me:  I wish you would've told me that before because D would've just pee'd and gotten off the pot..
Maddy gets up and makes room for D to go.  D goes.
Me: D, are you done peeing?
D:  I have to go poo.
(WHAAT??  DOUBLE WHAAAT?!!)
Me: M, would you mind just going poo on the big toilet?
M obliges.  Thankfully.  Then I turn to D and say, "You better squeeze out a poop otherwise you are going back to the car!  We will not stay here because you will have lied."
In the meantime, M poos and all is well.  Now we are just waiting on D.
Me:  You better poo D.....
D:  My poo is having a hard time coming out.
Me:  Well, you better poo or else you are going to the car.
Finally, D squeezes out a poo

Oh LORD!!  What is wrong with me??  I have probably traumatized my daughter like nothin' else!  Well, truly her whole environment from birth might've messed her up a bit...but this might be the icing on the cake.  Seriously.  I don't know just what overcomes me.  I need to work on the non-violent communication thing.  I mean,  I need to work on a lot of things but this might be a priority. :o)

Then and now

I see there is a difference between our generation as parents and our parents' generation.
Back in my parent's generation it seems like everyone was working hard to put food on the table and just getting ahead in life to give their children the best they could in experiences and ability to go to a good college.  And mind you, this is only from a Chinese family background.  I can't speak for anyone else's upbringing.
In our generation as parents I feel like the focus is more on esteem and making sure that we communicate to our children in such a way that they feel strong and connected.  It's more about the communication factor whereas back in the day, when we were kids, communication was just not a big focus.  What was a big focus was doing well in school, making sure you had the proper manners and the only communication that was going on was barking of orders and a lot of, "Do it because we told you to. Because we are your parents."  No questions asked.
It seems as if raising kids in that type of environment might've been easier since you really didn't care if your child cried herself to sleep.  The notion was, "You do as I say because I am your parent.  I feed you, I care for you, I provide for you.  And when you get older you will understand all that I am doing."
In my perspective, now that I am older I do understand all that my parents were doing for me.  But, oh how I wish they had taken the time to communicate with me so that I could've understood back then.  So I wouldn't have spent all those lost years in school because I just didn't understand the importance of a good educational foundation and I just didn't care because that was how I was going to rebel.
I wish there was more of an emphasis on love and respect (mutual) and showing of it rather than pretending tenderness was for suckers.
On the flip side, somehow, I feel like sometimes society has gotten just a tad lax about disciplining their children.  Because many parents don't want to upset their children or in trying to not harm a child's self-esteem, you inadvertently raise a very egotistical child that doesn't understand why the world does not revolve around him.
Truly, at the end of the day, I tend to think as long as you are not constantly beating and berating your child, he might just turn out all right.  Sometimes, what a child is made to overcome just makes him stronger, right?  I spend a lot of time trying to figure out the best way to communicate to my daughter.  But I also need to remind myself that she is a resilient child and if I fall of my rocker sometimes, it's okay. Everything will be all right because at the end of the day, I am a human being and I am not perfect, but I love her and this love emanates from the deepest part of my soul to touch the deepest part of her soul.

A temper check

Yes, I'm famously hot-tempered.  I've blogged about my inability to just keep my temper in check.
However, I must commend myself that I have been doing a much better job at not "losing it" when dealing with D.  She's not by any means a terrible child.  She never throws tantrums or really does anything to warrant my temper, I am just easily frustrated.
The other day, I was asking her to put her crayons away quickly because we had to leave (rule number 1 - never rush a child because you have not been conscientious of time...) and she was moving very, very slooowwwly.  So, I started to scream (because I was frustrated) and she in turn, shouted back, "Stop it!!  Stop yelling at me!"
Yes.  She did.  And I appreciated it because then I realized it was not her fault that she was moving so slow and that we were running late.  Chillaaax...
Obviously, my ideal would've been to just let the crayons stay there and not rush her at all but of course, I wasn't thinking with a clear mind at the time.  You see, I am not programmed that way.  Have you met my family??

From the mouths of babes

We saw this the other morning....

And D said, "Look, he's dressed up like a cow!"

crazytown

This morning D was acting like CRAZYTOWN! I mean, we don't know..did she get up on the wrong side of the bed or what? She was throwing tantrums like it's nobody's business.

This morning, all I could think was, "Thank goodness for school. Get this girl away from me."

And you know she doesn't throw tantrums in school so it's a win-win for everybody.

The mind of a three year old

The other morning I was frantically looking for my car keys. We were running late for school and I never really put my keys anywhere but in the side pocket of my bag or in the dish that holds all keys. This particular morning my keys were nowhere to be found. I am digging through my bag, looking in pants and jacket pockets all the while saying, "Where are my keys? I can't find my keys."

D's following me around saying, "Mama, what are you doing?"

While I reply, "D, I can't find my keys."

I even look in G's office. Nowhere.

In my mind I am thinking there's no way D could've taken them. Plus, never mind asking her since the last time we played this game (about 5 months ago or more) she blankly just said, "No, I haven't seen the flashlight...." Though later we found it in her play purse.

But I was at a loss so I turned to D and said, "D, did you play with mommy's keys?"

D replies, "Uh-huh!" Nodding a yes!

I say, "Do you remember where you put them?"

D replies happily, "Uh-huh! Of course!" And she points them out behind the coat rack where she's also stored my hand sanitizer and her dad's hair gel.

I mean, that just goes to show you how simple is the mind of a three year old. She was not connecting that I was running around looking for my keys and that I wouldn't know she misplaced them. But when I asked her directly she could answer.

She's like me!

Normally when I am posting that D is like me I am lamenting because clearly she has inherited my terrible temper and my loud mouth. I think she's also a bit shy which is odd since I don't think I became shy until waaay later in life.

(Those who know me would be surprised to hear me refer to myself as "shy" but people, please don't confuse snarky and sarcasm with being shy. :o) Yes, I tend to be "shy" in crowd situations, but I get to know people right quickly and then I don't beat around the bush being sarcastic and acting like I've known you forever.)

Lately, I've been noticing that D is very precise when she is eating. She likes to eat the frosting off first, then the cake, that sort of thing. That is like me when I was younger! In fact, I still do that sometimes. While eating a kit kat, I don't just bite into it. I like to eat the chocolate off first, then eat the waffle pieces separately. It's kind of neat to see how D is like me in that way. Maybe not quite to that extreme.

A little smugness

Now that D's a bit older we are not so crazy about her taking naps. If she misses one, we don't get all crazy on her. But we are better off if she does take her nap so she's kinder, not so crazy, whiney and needy.

The other day, she goes out with her dad on an adventure, falls asleep in the car on the way home and then wakes up when they get home, but she has not napped long enough. She's crying and saying she wants a light saber (which was what her father promised her before they even left the house) So he takes her to get a light saber, we have lunch when they get home and dad says, "Okay, D, you know you need to go take a nap now, right?" She responds, "Yes."

She takes her little blankie and goes off to her bed.

She's quiet in there, we're ignoring her but then 40 minutes later, Dad goes to suit up for a bike ride and as soon as he leaves the house, D comes out.

I say, "Did you take a nap?" She says, "No..."

I respond, "Okay. That's fine."

So she goes about her merry business. We're having a fine time.

Dad comes home and I say to him, "Your daughter did not take a nap today...."

Dad say, "Oh, I know. She was talking to me when I was in the garage so I told her just to go out of her room if she didn't feel like napping."

I'm sitting around in my office, doing some work and D is flitting about the house just happy as a clam.

And at one point, she prances into my room and prances out mockingly repeating in a sing-songy voice, "Your daughter did not take a nap today..." as she happily exits my room!

Seriously?? This girl is too much.

A bump in the road

Sure, I've experienced A LOT of bumps in my road to better motherhood. But today really takes the cake.

D has been sick and she has a runny nose. The constant sniffling is maddening but besides that, I really believe that if you blow the gunk out of your nose, the sooner you will get better because it's just getting all the gunk out instead of recirculating it through the throat and the mouth. Do you ever notice how you'd sniffle and then cough immediately? Cuz you are choking on your snot? Too graphic? Maybe, but I'm just explaining my thought process.

So today G and I have been trying our darnedest to get D to blow her nose since for some reason, she doesn't like to do it. Maybe just exercising her right to say No?

Anyhoo, we are going about our day, I ask D what she'd like to have for lunch. She says dim sum (her favorite). Then I'm asking her to blow her nose, she says no so I reply, "Then no dim sum." And daddy concurs. Then it keeps going on and on...D, if you don't blow your nose, you won't get a toothbrush from the dentist. If you don't blow your nose then we won't do this.

I mean, seriously. What is WRONG with us??

While we are in the car and D has fallen asleep I turn to G and say, "y'know, it doesn't feel good to do that to D. I don't want to put something in front of her only to snatch it away. That just doesn't feel right."

And G concurs.

After naptime, D still does not want to blow her nose.

I try a positive approach, "D, remember earlier this morning when mama asked you to blow your nose and you said no at first, but then you told me later that you were ready to blow your nose? Let's do that. Why don't you tell me when you want to blow your nose?"

She just responds, "No." So she's not doing it.

Still going along the day with her not blowing her nose, but constantly wiping her nose on her sleeve. Yuck.

Then, we are sitting in her room playing and I finally say, "D, it's fine if you don't blow your nose, but I can't stand to listen to it so I have to leave."

D: No, don't leave!

Me: Well, will you blow your nose?

D: No.

Me: Well, then I have to go

And I promptly get up and leave the room.

What is wrong with me? Really. What is wrong with me?? Some might think - It's a control thing. But it's not! I just don't know why she won't do something that is good for her and will make her feel better??

She ends up just sitting in her room. She doesn't move. She is clearly not happy but she's not going to cry about it.

Later, I have to go to the market and I'm surprise to find her sitting in the same spot where I left her (about 10 minutes ago...not like her) and I say, "D would you like to come with me to the market?"

I see her eyes. She is sad. She wants to say yes, but she is hesitant because she doesn't want this to be another incident where I say she has to blow her nose first.

Oh, when I see the sadness in her eyes, it just kills me. I am such a horrible mother sometimes!! Tomorrow I will speak to her. I will tell her that what I did made me feel terrible and I don't want to do that again. I love her too much.

Losin' it

It seems I often have a lower level of patience when G is not around...not sure why but I do and I find myself screaming at D when she is misbehaving or just not listening.

Case in point, the other morning she wants to go outside and play and I tell her, "No, you cannot because we have to go to school."

She says, "I don't want to go to school."

I try to reason with her, all sweet and such, "Whaat? But you love school. Don't we love Miss Candice?"

She shakes her head no. I am at a loss for words. How do you reply to that in a positive way?? Do you know? Because I certainly did not.

Somehow, things got outta control and I am screaming at her telling her that if she doesn't go to school, then she can just stand in the living room by herself, no one is going to play with her...I'm slamming doors, she is crying.

Sigh.

Yup, I do A LOT of sighing as a parent. A lot of sighing and a lot of crying on the inside because I just don't know what to do sometimes....

Anyhooo, we get things all squared away, she goes to school albeit 30 minutes late. But, truly there was just no way to justify, "Okay, fine. Don't go to school then." Hello? Not an option.

Later in the afternoon, D's in her car seat and from behind me she says, "Mom, are you sorry you lost your temper earlier today?"

Whaat?! Wherrrree?? WhOOOO?? Yeah.

And I replied, "Yes. I'm very sorry I lost my temper but I was really upset that you were fighting me and not wanting to go to school."

It's crazy.

I mean, yes, both G and I might lose our tempers sometimes and yes voices might get raised and we usually will apologize to D afterwards that we are sorry we lost our tempers and try to explain things to her in an adult fashion.

It's amazing to me that she now puts the concept together and can ask me if I'm sorry. Crazy I tell ya. Just crazy.